So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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