Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
