Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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