I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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