The answer is no. Its an illegal search n seizure!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
