It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
