i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
