you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
