Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
