i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
