Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
