oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize