i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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