By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
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