i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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