i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
