Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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