I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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