Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
