i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
This house was built for laser tag.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
