I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
