im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
