She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
