I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
