they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I enjoy the company of your penis
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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