You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
whose ass print is on the piano?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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