I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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