i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
