Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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