I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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