The maid of honor just puked.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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