Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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