i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
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