I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
