Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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