guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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