Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
