i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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