This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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