btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
