No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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