I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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