Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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