So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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