why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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