Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
