woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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