My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
