I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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