ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
