new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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