I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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