There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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