I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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