he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
