I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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