Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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