I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
