elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
